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Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

Well on Maundy Thursday (doesn’t sound so close if I say it like that) some of our church and some other people are off to sunny Skegness (actually I think it was windy and raining last year) to partake in Spring Harvest.  For those of you who have never heard of it this is what the Spring Harvest Website says

Spring Harvest is a Christian event which takes place over Easter.

It’s for people of all ages and church backgrounds and features inspirational Bible teaching, seminars, and spirit-filled worship. It’s about one thing: deepening your walk with God, so you return home inspired to impact your community and your friends, for Jesus.

In some ways I am really excited and in others I am not sure I am going to be able to cope.  Ever since I was little I have always had a problem in saying goodbye when I’m leaving to go away or leaving some one that I care about, even if  just for a short time.

As regular readers will know I have fallen in love since last years spring harvest and where as usually I get upset the night before I go away, this time I have started 2 weeks in advance.  I have already shed some tears and got myself in a bit of a state about it.  And yes I know, my man will still be there when I get back, and no he’s not going to go off with anyone else and he’s told me he won’t change his mind about the way he feels about me but these are the negative thoughts whizzing round.  Just thinking about it now is making me fill up.

If you are one of the people who is coming on this holiday, just be aware that I may have mood swings because I will be trying to keep my emotions hidden away and under control.

If there are any other Christians reading this, then please pray that I won’t dissolve into too much of a wreck before a week on Thursday and that I will still be able to enjoy myself and open myself up to God’s spirit.

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Well, I haven’t written for a few days or is it weeks?  And now I am here to have a rant as I am rather fed up.

I have a rare illness called Ocular Cicatricial Pemphigoid and have been on DLA and Incapacity Benefit since I finished work over 2 years ago.  Them who have the powers decided I must have a medical to prove that I am actually unfit for work.

I have had the result, which I had to phone up for because the letter has got lost somewhere between being posted and being delivered.  The person I spoke to just said “YOU HAVE FAILED” in a tone of voice where actually she didn’t give a monkeys about how I would feel.  She did very kindly inform me that I could appeal if I felt it was worth it. Just in case you are wondering I will be appealing!

I have scored 10 and to pass I needed 15 or more.  So I am supposedly fit for work.  The next thought is if I don’t win the appeal I’ll have to get a job – bit of a good one that as we are in an economic crisis with hardly any jobs available. Then if I do get an interview I will have to tell them that if I do a full day I will need a sleep half way through, I have lots of hospital appointments, if it is a bad day I’ll not be able to come in to work – urrm which employer would like to employ me do we think? That of course doesn’t take into account that actually I’m not qualified to do anything but work with children but I’m not fit enough for that and to be honest 10 years of running after little ones was enough. Oh I have my ECDL too. Other than that not qualified for much else. 

I am now bordering on seeing the doc to restart the anti-depressants as it has really knocked me over the edge. I can and will appeal but whether it’ll make a difference who knows.

The people in the benefit office don’t seem to realise that it is human beings with feelings that they are dealing with – we are just a statistic that they have to get back to work to save the government some money.

As you can tell I am now in a rather angry phase of coming to terms with life – I did the weepy stage already.

Mr Church Mouse has been so supportive and understanding so I’ll take this opportunity to say thank-you again but he has also shared with me some thoughts:

Firstly some words of a hymn – “Trust in the Lord and don’t despair, He is a friend so true.  No matter what your troubles are, Jesus will see you through!”

Secondly – “When God leads you to the edge of a cliff, trust Him fully because only one of two things will happen, either He will catch you when you fall or He will teach you how to fly.”

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Well here we are again – another year has been and gone and what a year it has been! 

For me personally it has had many ups and downs, but the last part of the year has certainly been good to me.  At the beginning of 2008 I really didn’t feel I had much to look forward to at all, what with my health problems and low self esteem issues, I really couldn’t see what there was to look forward too.  

And here I am looking back and I have to say that 2008 really wasn’t that bad after all.  I have come off my anti depressants.   I have stopped having my drips which means no overnight stays in hospital for the foreseeable future (OK it is just suck it and see at the moment but we keep on praying).  We have had a very busy but successful centenary year at church and then the best bit of course is that I have found someone who loves me for who and what I am, warts and all as they say!  I was always being told that Jesus  loved me unconditionally no matter what I did or didn’t do but although I know that is what it says in the bible I struggled to understand it.  Having found someone like the church mouse who loves me I can now grasp what it is to have someone love me completely.

I’d like to take this opportunity to wish you and yours a blessed and happy new year.

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